No music

Suicidal depression has returned in my life. It’s been pretty much nonstop suicidal thoughts for about 5 or 6 months now. No amount of mindfulness, exercise, diet, drinking enough water, vitamins, or sleep have prevented it from occurring yet again. Lots of people have never experienced depression or mental illness. It has been a constant in my life since puberty. It’s just the hand I was dealt. Nobody, no scientist, no clergyman, nobody knows what causes depression. If I survive through the end of this year I will be surprised. If not, I also won’t be surprised, as the only known way to permanently and 100% effectively end mental illness is to end your own life. We’ll see what happens, I guess. I’m about 5 weeks into a 6 week TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatment for major depression. We’ll see what happens. If I decided to end my life I’ll post a more comprehensive suicide note on here. Nobody reads this blog — it’s mostly just a public wall for me to post music I find — but I’m sure if I’m dead via suicide and I’ve posted a suicide note on here, folks will see it. Anyways, I wouldn’t wish this degree of psychological and emotional pain on anyone. It’s incredibly cruel, arbitrary, and pointless, and has disabled me countless times in my life. Many people think depression doesn’t exist, but people won’t believe things until they experience it themselves. I’ve tried to lead a good life and I’ve tried to be good to everyone as much as possible, so hopefully I’ll leave a legacy of being a decent person and a decent friend, albeit one with pretty pronounced mental illness. Regardless, I hope all is well in your world. -Chris

Stretch Marks – Professional Punks (1983)

Gotta love early 80s hardcore production — drums teetering between the lowest of lofi and those boomy, ultra reverby space drums the 80s are notorious for. Record production from the 90s onward just got too clean. NOFX covered this on their 2011 “obscure hardcore covers” EP, but their production was just way too clean. This is sweet trashy thrash. You can’t spell “thrash” without “trash.” Yum, garbage.

Wire – Map Ref. 41°N 93°W (1979)

This song seems to find its way to my ears during the worst times of my life, including the present, when I’m regularly considering killing myself. My mental health has imploded (yet again) this year, despite my diligence and efforts. Since I’m addressing an audience of nobody, I can be honest. This song is a driving and sonically dense cross section of punk and ‘new wave,’ with abstract cartographical lyrics and an absolute juggernaut of a pop hook chorus. If you’re reading this and I’m dead, hello from death and hello from the past. If you’re reading this and I’m alive, hello. If you’re reading this and you’re me, thank you for not killing yourself. Some people have never experienced suicidal depression — where every thought is painful and the only known escape is to kill the body that houses your malfunctioning brain — and if reincarnation is real and I have to live again, I’d like a life where I don’t experience these brutal, unforgiving episodes of unpredictable, uncontrollable emotional and psychological suffering. I don’t know what degree of control I exert over my own existence, I don’t know how to live or how to spend my time, and ultimately I’m just trying to outlive my parents in the claustrophobic suffocating prison cell of my own life. This song is like a cursed phantom that taunts and haunts me with its beauty. I’m a melodramatic mentally ill adult and I can’t predict the future. Thanks for visiting, have a good life and day. I miss my friend Logan.

BONUS

Here’s a lofi 1976 demo I didn’t even know existed, which predates Pink Flag by a year. Let’s see what these boys had on their minds in the year before producing one of the top 5 greatest punk records of all time — looks like there’s a couple Pink Flag cuts on the tracklist.