No music

Suicidal depression has returned in my life. It’s been pretty much nonstop suicidal thoughts for about 6 or 7 months now. Mindfulness, exercise, diet, medication, counseling, drinking enough water, vitamins, sleep, and so on have not prevented it from occurring yet again. Lots of people have never experienced depression or mental illness. It has been a constant in my life since puberty. It’s just the hand I was dealt. Nobody, no scientist, no clergyman, nobody really knows what exactly causes depression, or how to resolve it. If I survive through the end of this year I will be surprised. If not, I also won’t be surprised, as the only known way to permanently and 100% effectively end mental illness is to end your own life. We’ll see what happens, I guess. I’m about 5 weeks into a 6 week TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatment for major depression. We’ll see what happens. If I end my life I’ll post a more comprehensive suicide note on here. Nobody reads this blog — it’s mostly just a wall for me to post music I find — but I’m sure if I’m dead via suicide and I’ve posted a suicide note on here, folks will see it. Anyways, I wouldn’t wish this degree of psychological and emotional pain on anyone, ever. It’s incredibly cruel, arbitrary, and pointless, and has disabled me countless times in my life. Many people think depression doesn’t exist, but people won’t believe some things until they experience it themselves. I’ve tried to lead a good life and I’ve tried to be good to everyone (including myself) as much as possible, so hopefully I’ll leave a legacy of being a decent person and a decent friend, albeit one with pretty pronounced mental illness. Regardless, I hope all is well in your world. -Chris

Stretch Marks – Professional Punks (1983)

Gotta love early 80s hardcore production — drums teetering between the lowest of lofi and those boomy, ultra reverby space drums the 80s are notorious for. Record production from the 90s onward just got too clean. NOFX covered this on their 2011 “obscure hardcore covers” EP, but their production was just way too clean. This is sweet trashy thrash. You can’t spell “thrash” without “trash.” Yum, garbage.